Ok I haven't posted on here much about my new job but I have been there almost 2 months now. It's fun, but some days I get SO frustrated with it! I stressed myself into thinking I needed another job when in reality I had it made. I had enough money to pay my bills, add to my savings, travel, and a little left over to play. The best part was I had an almost completely flexible schedule. I could get on a plane and leave whenever I wanted, stay in other states and countries as long as I wanted and not have to worry about money. Ugh, kicking myself so hard right now. I pretty much had my dream lifestyle. So why would I get another job you ask? Well I ended up getting really sick around Christmas and had to spend Christmas in the hospital. When the bill came I just saw big numbers and instantly freaked out. I had the money to cover it and I would have been just fine but for whatever reason I just panicked and felt like I needed to get a 9-5 regular type of job asap.

I needed another job about as bad as I need to lose my right hand. In getting this new job I took a huge pay cut because I no longer have as much time to do promo gigs and stuff like I used to and those pay more than double what I am making now. Plus I have this locked in schedule that prevents me from traveling whenever I feel like it.  My boss....I don't even know where to start. We aren't going to really go there right now.

So yesterday I go in to work and there is a new girl at the counter. She tells me her name is *Melanie (name changed). I introduce myself and we small talk and then I go to the back and work a bit and then return to the front counter. My boss is there with the new girl and says she hasn't formally introduced us. She introduces the girl to me but says her name is Natalie. At this point I am really confused because her name tag says Natalie and my boss introduced her as Natalie but she had just finished telling me her name was Melanie. Obviously I asked her if Natalie was her middle name or something and she said no. Apparently my boss felt like there were already too many Melanie's working at the salon (we have a Melanie and a Mel) so she just decided to re-name her Natalie. It would make sense if Natalie was the girl's middle name, or even if it was a name she picked but it wasn't any of those things. My boss just took it on  herself to pull some random name out of her butt and call this girl Natalie even though it has nothing to do with her at all. Today when I went in to work they informed me that they have changed her name once again. This poor girl has only been here two days and they have already changed her name twice! At least this time her name has ties to her last name. Poor girl

I have to go back to LA this weekend for the Oscars lounge. I shouldn't be freaking out about it but I am. I feel panicky and want to bail. It was like that with Sundance too but as soon as I got there and started working I was fine. What's wrong with me?

Ugh, this is so frustrating!!!

I don't think any of us turn out to be the person we thought we would be. Maybe sometimes people are closer than others but overall I think what we want and who we think we are changes as we get older. I know I'm not at all the person I thought I would be. I was positive I would be married with 2 kids about now. At one point I was on track to be an actress/mother/ second half of an amazing power couple. Then I switched gears and thought I would be in Italy with a warm happy family living with my husband and making wine for his family label while our kids played in the vineyards (turns out he wanted to abandon his family money, bike through Europe on his own, and become a flute playing hippy instead). Then I thought I would marry into a polynesian family and live on an island supporting my husband as Matai. Then I thought I would be single for life and just travel the world breaking hearts. I would say I'm a lot closer to that than any of my other visions of the future.

I think the biggest thing is that I thought I would know where I was going and what I was doing by now. As if you hit your 20's and you suddenly wake up and your an adult with all the answers.

but that's not how it works is it? I'm still just as lost as I was before. I have no idea what I want to do forever. Quite frankly I don't think there is anything I want to do FOREVER. I want to do lots of things. I still have lots to learn about life, and love, and the world. I'm not saying that being married or having kids is abhorent to me. I wouldn't mind that at all. I just don't want to settle into just one big boring life full of monotony. A family just means I have more people to add to the adventure and more people to take me on their adventures. I would love that! I don't know if that's how things will work out for me because I still haven't hit that magic age where I suddenly learn all the answers but I do know that however things turn out for me I am going to make sure I live it out to the fullest and love every minute of whatever gets thrown at me.

   

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I had another nasty dream last night. It's no wonder I don't sleep! I had to work early this morning and I knew it would be a long day so I took some zzquil (doesn't work btw) and I think that may have contributed to the weirdness I experienced last night.

First dream:

A girl walks into a tanning salon that I work at. She has the world's first pair of plastic shoes. There is a bunch of media there to document her every move in these fabulous shoes. She gets into the tanning bed and is naked except for her shoes which she decides to keep on. In the bed the shoes melt under the hot lamps and seal it shut like a coffin. She fries in there. Of course the whole thing is on the news. I have to scrap bits of plastic and roasted blonde of the acrylics with news cameras over my shoulder filming everything and my boss stands there nagging that I missed a spot.

I woke up annoyed and then confused.

Dream two: Things take a turn for the worst

I dreamed that everyone was looking for this baby that had gone missing. She was 3 months old and they had an amber alert out for her. Everyone was looking really hard for her. Somehow I ended up at the house with her family and her mom kept asking me if I knew where her daughter was and begging me to find her. The son was acting kind of weird. I got this sick feeling in my stomach and I turned and yelled at him. I kept saying "you know where she is!!! Go get her!" He kept saying he didn't but then he finally gave in and just did this defeated look. He walked down the hall and came back carrying the decaying corpse of his baby sister who he had killed and hidden in the wall. I don't know if it was an accident and then he panicked and hid her or if he had intentionally hurt her or what but even in my sleep/dream I couldn't process the information. I was horrified and woke up crying.

I don't know why I dream these sick things about people dying horrible deaths. It scares me and makes me so sad for them and most the time I wake up terrified, crying, or both. I do know one thing for sure, and that is I will never take zzquil again!

It’s a new year so that means it’s time for a new Andi…jk I know everyone changes themselves for the new year but I am changing all the time so I don’t really do any resolutions for new year. Brooke started a tradition that we all get fortune cookies on Dec. 31 and we open them after midnight. Whatever the cookie says is your fortune for the year. It’s pretty accurate for a lightly sweetened snack food. We do that and we do lists. Usually I share them with you but last year I was feeling shy so I posted it on private (I know, that’s not like me). I might do the same this year. We’ll see. Here wasmy fortune for this year

What causes anxiety? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I went from outgoing energetic promo girl to this person I hardly recognize anymore. I have a hard time dragging myself into the studio to get my photo shoots done and a bunch of things have changed. Worst of all I have started feeling all this anxiety about promo events, which has always been one of my favorite parts of my job. I never had it as a kid, anxiety I mean. Good or bad I was always excited about change. Everything’s always been one grand adventure to me. The unknown is a time for experimentation and learning and tradition is comfortable so I never had any reason to dread anything the way I do now. I don’t know what happened or when exactly it started. I just noticed it one day before an event. I don’t understand why it’s happening. I accept these projects. If I ever get offered a project I don’t want to take all I have to do is say no..not even that. I can ignore the request all together and let someone else cover it and it’s no big deal. I CHOOSE to put myself in these places. As a matter of fact I live for these projects. When I see the write up on it I get really excited and I want to do it so I accept the offer quickly. I talk it up to everyone as I wait for the day of the event to finally arrive. All the while I am imagining how much fun it’s going to be. But then this cold dread starts to slowly settle in like a fog over my entire body. I can’t sleep and I start to feel panicky. I’m troubled all day and try to think of all these ways to get out of going instead of sleeping at night. I want to cancel. I don’t exactly know what it is I’m dreading so much or what has gotten me so anxious in the first place. Like I said, I love these projects and I live for them. I love my job and even though it takes up 90% of my life I wouldn’t want it any other way. There is nothing to be afraid of at the events and I know that but for some reason I still have these panic/anxiety attacks. I’ve been doing this for years so there is no reason to fear not being going enough or not knowing what I’m doing. I’m a pro at this. It’s second nature to me. I can do photo shoots and promo events in my sleep. The people are nice and I’m treated well and the pay is great. The other models are nice and I always have fun at the events and afterwards I wonder why I was so anxious about it because it always turns out great. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way but I do. I wish I knew what the problem was so I could fix it but I don’t understand it. Have any of you ever experienced anxiety attacks? Dread towards something you love like I feel. Have you ever experienced physical manifestations of that anxiety like tightness in your chest or wanting to throw up or not being able to breathe or feeling dizzy? Any advice or thoughts on this subject would be great.

I have been having so much fun these past few days. All I want to do when I wake up is eat and stunt. I wish I had figured this out at a younger age but I guess now is as good a time as any. I had a photo shoot and I love Canada, but I was thinking about fire the whole time lol BC is really pretty but it’s cold! It just makes me want to play with fire that much more. Being out here has made me think about how much I miss camping so I’m adding that to my list of things to do this summer. My shoot went well. It’s different from the usual stuff. More artsy with a hint of a fantasy feel to it. I don’t want to give away too much about it since it’s kind of new for me and I want to surprise you and see what you think of it. You’ll just have to see when the pictures come out. The boys were getting bored at the shoot and since I know the photographer and we have been friends for years and there were a few other model friends there I told them they could go have some fun. Big mistake! Lol They wandered into a restaurant and had a bunch of wine and imported beer and when they got back to pick me up from my shoot they had stolen a plate of cheese and brought it to me. How do you even get out the door with that?!

They weren’t smashed but they were definitely feeling happy so we had to go back to the hotel for a little while. They found a mini game of hungry hungry hippo someone had left under the bed and they were playing it like two giddy school boys. After they had calmed down to more of a light buzz we went bowling. We always like to pick crazy names. This time we did our favorite cartoon characters from our childhood so the roster said scrooge mcduck, donatello, and rude dog. Markus and Jeff were being gross and having a burping contest (so immature) and I kept telling them to stop but they thought that was funny so they were doing it more. I should have never let them get the pitcher of beer :-/ I made a bet with them that if I could burp louder than both of them they had to stop having burping contests and bowl with pink 8 pound balls. They agreed. They lost

It was so funny watching them try to bowl! They weren’t used to those lightweight balls and they kept throwing them way too hard. I like having fun nights like these when I can just hang out with my crew like old times. I think Rhyno was kinda bummed he couldn’t come but he’s the rookie. We got him souvenirs to make up for it. Hope you all are somewhere warm and cozy, enjoying the cool gifts you got for Christmas. Can’t wait to hear all about it when I get back. Muah, Andi

I missed Dad’s birthday but in honor of him we lit my arm on fire like a birthday candle.  I was thinking we were just going to do little stuff and then I wouldn’t get lit on fire until the end of the course but they just started right in. They have a special gel that you have to cover your entire arm in really good and then you light it on fire and dunk it out in a bucket of water when you are done. It’s crazy!!! It feels cool and warm at the same time but it doesn’t burn or hurt and looks like the fire is directly on your skin. I don’t know how the guys talked them into teaching me but I’m glad they did! <3 My crew so much!!!

Thank you for all the Christmas cards, wishes, and presents. You guys are too good to me. I’ll be sure to send pictures to everyone that sent me outfits so they can see how it looks on me. I also have special gifts to give in return for all the stuff you guys gave me. I have great news! I’m going back to BC, home of all the hot people I’m sad that I missed Christmas and everything but I’m glad to be back on the road again. I’m off to Canada to do something that I have wanted to do for a very long time! I’m taking a stunt course over the next few days in pyrotechnics. At the end they will actually light me on fire! I’m kind of nervous but excited too. This is one step closer to my stunt goal. Maybe some day I will even be doing full body burns. Who knows? I’m just so excited I can’t even contain it!!! I will try to write at night when I’m back in the hotel. Talk to you all later

I think I finished most of my Christmas shopping today but I still have one more gift I need to pick up. I gave everyone else their gifts at the family Christmas party but I only gave Nick part of his. I drew his name so I wanted to get him something special. I was so mad at myself for not thinking of the perfect thing on time and having to take him a gift card the night of the party. I really wanted to give him something special. I don’t know why I feel like it’s so important this year but it just is. I have to pick up the last part of his present before Christmas and surprise him with it. I hope he likes it. I also did a little shopping for some essentials.  While I was shopping I also got a bunch of stuff for organizing the closet and bathroom. I’m so obsessed with organization lately. I’m really excited to finally have everything filed and sorted in it’s own place and not just in drawers and boxes. I also got a bunch of new lingerie which I know some of you will be very happy about

When I was in the store I noticed this guy following me around. I would turn around and he’s just be standing there staring at me. I didn’t want to assume he was there just to follow me around so I just shrugged it off and kept shopping. When I left the store and walked out to my car I was kind of distracted because I was texting (I know that’s bad) and I didn’t notice that he had slipped out behind me until I was at my car unlocking the door and he was suddenly standing next to me. I jumped a little because it caught me off guard and I dropped my keys. He bent to pick them up and I instinctively grabbed my knife. I didn’t pull it out or anything, just had my hand on it in case. He handed me my keys and said thank you because I didn’t know what else to do. Then he asked me how my shopping was and I said it was good because I felt awkward and didn’t know what to say. The whole time I’m wondering if I’m actually going to have to shank him right there in the parking lot. I told him he was standing a little close so he backed up a few feet and that made me feel a little better. I was also insanely glad that I had managed to get a parking spot in the front right by the doors so there were a lot of people walking past us that could have easily heard me scream. In the end he just said I was really beautiful and that he would love to take me out sometime and would I do a phone pic with him. Then he kissed my cheek and left. I’m probably a jerk for saying this but it freaked me out. I like talking to people and I love doing pictures and everything but I don’t like to be caught off guard with it. Especially when the guy probably didn’t know I do that kind of stuff for work so was basically asking me as some random girl he saw shopping.

Anyway, that was my awkward moment of the day. I’m still laughing about the “Why am I wearing two pants?!” moment I had with you guys the other night. It rivals the super glue moment. Lol you see me do way too many stupid things. Tonight is the big end of the world party at the club and I’m working it with Rubi so stop by and hang out. Eat, drink, and party for yesterday we were supposed to die  

Love,

Your nerd Andi

Some of my new stuff

part 2 of my lingerie haul. Still need to find some tops for a few of these

My dress for tonight. Sey for the club but also comfy and functional in case I need to kill any zombies. Like it?