December 30, 2012

  • New feelings that I don't understand

    z226377213

     

    What causes anxiety? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I went from outgoing energetic promo girl to this person I hardly recognize anymore. I have a hard time dragging myself into the studio to get my photo shoots done and a bunch of things have changed. Worst of all I have started feeling all this anxiety about promo events, which has always been one of my favorite parts of my job. I never had it as a kid, anxiety I mean. Good or bad I was always excited about change. Everything’s always been one grand adventure to me. The unknown is a time for experimentation and learning and tradition is comfortable so I never had any reason to dread anything the way I do now. I don’t know what happened or when exactly it started. I just noticed it one day before an event. I don’t understand why it’s happening. I accept these projects. If I ever get offered a project I don’t want to take all I have to do is say no..not even that. I can ignore the request all together and let someone else cover it and it’s no big deal. I CHOOSE to put myself in these places. As a matter of fact I live for these projects. When I see the write up on it I get really excited and I want to do it so I accept the offer quickly. I talk it up to everyone as I wait for the day of the event to finally arrive. All the while I am imagining how much fun it’s going to be. But then this cold dread starts to slowly settle in like a fog over my entire body. I can’t sleep and I start to feel panicky. I’m troubled all day and try to think of all these ways to get out of going instead of sleeping at night. I want to cancel. I don’t exactly know what it is I’m dreading so much or what has gotten me so anxious in the first place. Like I said, I love these projects and I live for them. I love my job and even though it takes up 90% of my life I wouldn’t want it any other way. There is nothing to be afraid of at the events and I know that but for some reason I still have these panic/anxiety attacks. I’ve been doing this for years so there is no reason to fear not being going enough or not knowing what I’m doing. I’m a pro at this. It’s second nature to me. I can do photo shoots and promo events in my sleep. The people are nice and I’m treated well and the pay is great. The other models are nice and I always have fun at the events and afterwards I wonder why I was so anxious about it because it always turns out great. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way but I do. I wish I knew what the problem was so I could fix it but I don’t understand it. Have any of you ever experienced anxiety attacks? Dread towards something you love like I feel. Have you ever experienced physical manifestations of that anxiety like tightness in your chest or wanting to throw up or not being able to breathe or feeling dizzy? Any advice or thoughts on this subject would be great.