What causes anxiety? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I went from outgoing energetic promo girl to this person I hardly recognize anymore. I have a hard time dragging myself into the studio to get my photo shoots done and a bunch of things have changed. Worst of all I have started feeling all this anxiety about promo events, which has always been one of my favorite parts of my job. I never had it as a kid, anxiety I mean. Good or bad I was always excited about change. Everything’s always been one grand adventure to me. The unknown is a time for experimentation and learning and tradition is comfortable so I never had any reason to dread anything the way I do now. I don’t know what happened or when exactly it started. I just noticed it one day before an event. I don’t understand why it’s happening. I accept these projects. If I ever get offered a project I don’t want to take all I have to do is say no..not even that. I can ignore the request all together and let someone else cover it and it’s no big deal. I CHOOSE to put myself in these places. As a matter of fact I live for these projects. When I see the write up on it I get really excited and I want to do it so I accept the offer quickly. I talk it up to everyone as I wait for the day of the event to finally arrive. All the while I am imagining how much fun it’s going to be. But then this cold dread starts to slowly settle in like a fog over my entire body. I can’t sleep and I start to feel panicky. I’m troubled all day and try to think of all these ways to get out of going instead of sleeping at night. I want to cancel. I don’t exactly know what it is I’m dreading so much or what has gotten me so anxious in the first place. Like I said, I love these projects and I live for them. I love my job and even though it takes up 90% of my life I wouldn’t want it any other way. There is nothing to be afraid of at the events and I know that but for some reason I still have these panic/anxiety attacks. I’ve been doing this for years so there is no reason to fear not being going enough or not knowing what I’m doing. I’m a pro at this. It’s second nature to me. I can do photo shoots and promo events in my sleep. The people are nice and I’m treated well and the pay is great. The other models are nice and I always have fun at the events and afterwards I wonder why I was so anxious about it because it always turns out great. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way but I do. I wish I knew what the problem was so I could fix it but I don’t understand it. Have any of you ever experienced anxiety attacks? Dread towards something you love like I feel. Have you ever experienced physical manifestations of that anxiety like tightness in your chest or wanting to throw up or not being able to breathe or feeling dizzy? Any advice or thoughts on this subject would be great.

I have been having so much fun these past few days. All I want to do when I wake up is eat and stunt. I wish I had figured this out at a younger age but I guess now is as good a time as any. I had a photo shoot and I love Canada, but I was thinking about fire the whole time lol BC is really pretty but it’s cold! It just makes me want to play with fire that much more. Being out here has made me think about how much I miss camping so I’m adding that to my list of things to do this summer. My shoot went well. It’s different from the usual stuff. More artsy with a hint of a fantasy feel to it. I don’t want to give away too much about it since it’s kind of new for me and I want to surprise you and see what you think of it. You’ll just have to see when the pictures come out. The boys were getting bored at the shoot and since I know the photographer and we have been friends for years and there were a few other model friends there I told them they could go have some fun. Big mistake! Lol They wandered into a restaurant and had a bunch of wine and imported beer and when they got back to pick me up from my shoot they had stolen a plate of cheese and brought it to me. How do you even get out the door with that?!

They weren’t smashed but they were definitely feeling happy so we had to go back to the hotel for a little while. They found a mini game of hungry hungry hippo someone had left under the bed and they were playing it like two giddy school boys. After they had calmed down to more of a light buzz we went bowling. We always like to pick crazy names. This time we did our favorite cartoon characters from our childhood so the roster said scrooge mcduck, donatello, and rude dog. Markus and Jeff were being gross and having a burping contest (so immature) and I kept telling them to stop but they thought that was funny so they were doing it more. I should have never let them get the pitcher of beer :-/ I made a bet with them that if I could burp louder than both of them they had to stop having burping contests and bowl with pink 8 pound balls. They agreed. They lost

It was so funny watching them try to bowl! They weren’t used to those lightweight balls and they kept throwing them way too hard. I like having fun nights like these when I can just hang out with my crew like old times. I think Rhyno was kinda bummed he couldn’t come but he’s the rookie. We got him souvenirs to make up for it. Hope you all are somewhere warm and cozy, enjoying the cool gifts you got for Christmas. Can’t wait to hear all about it when I get back. Muah, Andi

I missed Dad’s birthday but in honor of him we lit my arm on fire like a birthday candle.  I was thinking we were just going to do little stuff and then I wouldn’t get lit on fire until the end of the course but they just started right in. They have a special gel that you have to cover your entire arm in really good and then you light it on fire and dunk it out in a bucket of water when you are done. It’s crazy!!! It feels cool and warm at the same time but it doesn’t burn or hurt and looks like the fire is directly on your skin. I don’t know how the guys talked them into teaching me but I’m glad they did! <3 My crew so much!!!

Thank you for all the Christmas cards, wishes, and presents. You guys are too good to me. I’ll be sure to send pictures to everyone that sent me outfits so they can see how it looks on me. I also have special gifts to give in return for all the stuff you guys gave me. I have great news! I’m going back to BC, home of all the hot people I’m sad that I missed Christmas and everything but I’m glad to be back on the road again. I’m off to Canada to do something that I have wanted to do for a very long time! I’m taking a stunt course over the next few days in pyrotechnics. At the end they will actually light me on fire! I’m kind of nervous but excited too. This is one step closer to my stunt goal. Maybe some day I will even be doing full body burns. Who knows? I’m just so excited I can’t even contain it!!! I will try to write at night when I’m back in the hotel. Talk to you all later

I think I finished most of my Christmas shopping today but I still have one more gift I need to pick up. I gave everyone else their gifts at the family Christmas party but I only gave Nick part of his. I drew his name so I wanted to get him something special. I was so mad at myself for not thinking of the perfect thing on time and having to take him a gift card the night of the party. I really wanted to give him something special. I don’t know why I feel like it’s so important this year but it just is. I have to pick up the last part of his present before Christmas and surprise him with it. I hope he likes it. I also did a little shopping for some essentials.  While I was shopping I also got a bunch of stuff for organizing the closet and bathroom. I’m so obsessed with organization lately. I’m really excited to finally have everything filed and sorted in it’s own place and not just in drawers and boxes. I also got a bunch of new lingerie which I know some of you will be very happy about

When I was in the store I noticed this guy following me around. I would turn around and he’s just be standing there staring at me. I didn’t want to assume he was there just to follow me around so I just shrugged it off and kept shopping. When I left the store and walked out to my car I was kind of distracted because I was texting (I know that’s bad) and I didn’t notice that he had slipped out behind me until I was at my car unlocking the door and he was suddenly standing next to me. I jumped a little because it caught me off guard and I dropped my keys. He bent to pick them up and I instinctively grabbed my knife. I didn’t pull it out or anything, just had my hand on it in case. He handed me my keys and said thank you because I didn’t know what else to do. Then he asked me how my shopping was and I said it was good because I felt awkward and didn’t know what to say. The whole time I’m wondering if I’m actually going to have to shank him right there in the parking lot. I told him he was standing a little close so he backed up a few feet and that made me feel a little better. I was also insanely glad that I had managed to get a parking spot in the front right by the doors so there were a lot of people walking past us that could have easily heard me scream. In the end he just said I was really beautiful and that he would love to take me out sometime and would I do a phone pic with him. Then he kissed my cheek and left. I’m probably a jerk for saying this but it freaked me out. I like talking to people and I love doing pictures and everything but I don’t like to be caught off guard with it. Especially when the guy probably didn’t know I do that kind of stuff for work so was basically asking me as some random girl he saw shopping.

Anyway, that was my awkward moment of the day. I’m still laughing about the “Why am I wearing two pants?!” moment I had with you guys the other night. It rivals the super glue moment. Lol you see me do way too many stupid things. Tonight is the big end of the world party at the club and I’m working it with Rubi so stop by and hang out. Eat, drink, and party for yesterday we were supposed to die  

Love,

Your nerd Andi

Some of my new stuff

part 2 of my lingerie haul. Still need to find some tops for a few of these

My dress for tonight. Sey for the club but also comfy and functional in case I need to kill any zombies. Like it?

Hey everyone sorry it’s been a while I have been really bad about updating lately. I haven’t done my blogs or tumblr and my facebook is just sitting there collecting virtual dust. I’ve been really busy working on projects and doing a little reflecting on life and things. Thank you for understanding. I do see your emails and text messages and I appreciate all your well wishes and concerns. I promise I will get back to each and every one of them but it’s going to take me some time. Thank you so much for being patient with me. I don’t know what I would do without you all. I miss you guys and I love hearing all the stories about what you have been up to and what your new plans are. I’m happy that your happy. Are you all getting excited for Christmas? It’s coming up quick. I hope you all have happy and safe holidays.

All my love,

Tonight is the family Christmas party. We have to do it early because if we don't we'll never get to open presents and spend time together. I'm really happy that I get to see them but I won't lie I'm a little bummed that I will be in a hotel again this year on the actual day.

Lex drew the short straw so she had to host the family christmas party at her place this year. I felt a little bad for her because she had to do the halloween party too. I missed it because I was in Thailand but the pictures looked like she put a lot of effort into it. She loves to decorate so the mantle was done up really cute and they had the tree out. She even made Roxy a special holiday collar. That is a new thing we've started doing. She dresses the dog which I think is nerdy but she also makes her all these custom collars to match holidays and stuff. I like doing that part. Usually we draw names as siblings for christmas but this year we added the boys into the mix so it made things more interesting because we had to buy gifts for these people that are new-ish to the family. I got Nick (Lexa's boyfriend) so I was trying really hard to think of something he would like but I wasn't able to get what I wanted in time  I had to give him a gift card. I hope he wasn't too bummed out about it. Lex had my name. Lucky girl! We have been drawing each other's names for the last ten years or more so she has it way easy. She didn't have time to go shopping either so we are doing "christmas after christmas" which also pretty typical for us  She suprised me by getting me a giant inflatable dog from Victoria Secret. She always gets me the weirdest things but I like it.

The party was fun. I won't get into it too much on here because it's probably not that interesting you any of you anyway. There was one funny part though. Nick had drawn Jenna's name so he bought her these massaging slippers and a bra (obviously Lexa had thrown in the bra part). Jenna had the bra and slippers on her lap and Nick walked up to her, pointed to her gift and said "Are those double a's?" He was reffering to the slippers and what batteries they took but since he pointed in the general direction as the bra and Jenna's chest it looked like he was asking about something else. My grandma just started cracking up. He got a little flustered after that but it was funny.

Pictures from my Christmas photo shoot should be coming soon.

I had a promo this morning that I really feel like I was kind of tricked into doing. It was originally supposed to be in Salt Lake from 9am-5pm but somehow that turned into Kemmerer Wyoming from 6am-2pm. I had to leave in the middle of the night and drive by myself through the creepy fog to get to this promo. I stopped for breakfast at the antler motel (interesting place for sure) and then on to the promo site. The company I was working for is a big, very well-known brand so I was suprised at how badly everyone was treated. They wouldn't let us wear our own coats but they had hired 8 models and only had 4 coats so we had to trade off with them. It was rainy and freezing and a bunch of us got sick because of it. I'm just glad I was a promo model and not a pa! The pa's had to wash cars and the only gear they were given was waist high ski bibs and elbow length rubber gloves. They were soaking wet and freezing the entire time. I won't be surprised if they all end up with pnemonia. I felt so bad for them. The whole thing was a ridiculous waste of time and I am definitely adding that company to my black list. By the time I got home from there I was exhausted but had to go to my other job so I couldn't sleep yet. I got a lot of work done though so I was pretty happy about that  Hopefully I get some time to sleep over the holidays. Hope you guys are having an awesome day!

Andi